Things they don’t tell you about having babies

tl;dr — it’s gonna be messy, noisy, and unpredictable; but generally it’s going to be okay.

Today’s goal is to document unexpected events and lessons from the 90 days after the birth of our baby daughter.

I want future dads and moms to feel better prepared, less anxious, and less alone. I’m listening to In The Waiting Line by Zero 7 today.

First things first, if you’ve just had a baby, congratulations! In itself, that’s a feat. :o)

If you haven’t yet, that’s okay, and you’ll be okay. There’s a ton of online advice and guidance for baby prep and baby care. Here’s a shortlist of extra things that I’d tell myself and my partner if I could go back in time:

Pre-birth

• It was a good idea to have a bassinet and carrier ready before birth. I was highly skeptical we needed to pay money for a smaller version of a crib just to have in our room for <6 months. Turns out, having an easy-to-reach comfortable place to put baby to sleep/rest that ISN’T in your arms was really helpful. The baby carrier is similar in function but may give you back pain, but still useful for mobility.
• Don’t go overkill on early baby proofing and baby gates. In hindsight, we added baby gates too early, and it instead caused way more daily inconvenience than necessary. I would have done it closer to when baby is ready to start roaming around herself.
• Buy a baby bottle sanitizer. Long story short, baby got a yeast infection called thrush because we weren’t cleaning her bottles well enough. It was a huge hassle to boil water in pots and use bbq tongs to wrangle them out and dry them. In hindsight, paying up to a couple hundred $ for a bottle sanitizer would have saved me countless hours and burns and prevented baby from thrush which meant more baby tears. :’(
• Get onesies with mittens and convenient bottom-zips, only get 1–2 pairs of standalone socks/mittens. Onesies with built-in mittens and bottom-zips made it easy to prevent baby from scratching herself or change the diaper without having to unzip the top. We went through onesies like every day, sometimes multiple times if baby pooped herself hardcore. We have a pile of standalone socks/mittens that never got used, because they’d fall off too easily. Select 2–3 cute onesies to bring to the hospital, but expect you might only use one.

Birth / labor!!!

• Most women feel the contractions before water breaks. May feel like bad period cramps. I was unnecessarily worried about her water suddenly breaking randomly during the day.
• We brought way too much with us to the hospital. Most useful things reported by my partner were: pregnancy pillow, flip flops, noise cancelling headphones, and some snacks for husband if I got hungry (partner is on IV drip). If you’re really into photos, can bring one set of nicer clothes, but chances are mommy will be in hospital wear.
• Discuss ahead of time, but in hindsight it’s nice to have photo documentation of the experience. Mommy definitely didn’t feel that way at the time, but we did discuss earlier and said it was ok to take photos. In hindsight I’m totally glad I did, because it’s hard to remember the day afterwards since it’s such a blur.
• Dads, remember to be as supportive as possible. When you’re tired, feeling gross, hungry, and feel like you can’t really do much in the situation… it’s easy to forget that your partner probably feels the same way AND then some. Even if you don’t feel like it at all, this is the time to put on your brave face and do whatever you can to make mommy feel even just a little bit better about the situation. It’s easy for mommy to feel alone and scared about what’s happening to her. Be there for her.

Post-birth / 1st month

• Post-partum recovery is ROUGH for mommies. They’re basically bleeding non-stop for weeks and it’s painful to sit or poop. Be kind to mommies and try to help or get help as much as you can.
• Try to learn what you can from nurses while at the hospital. Expect to spend a couple days in the hospital and then you’re kinda on your own. Watch them swaddle, change diapers, give baths, soothe/shush the baby. Each nurse may do it differently too — see what works best and copy it.
• Baby’s going to make a lot of random noises — try not to jump at every one of them. The most important ones are if she’s crying or choking/coughing. Otherwise, just sleep…
• Baby may vomit/spit up amniotic fluid in first 24 hrs, and this is totally normal… That’s what the nurse said. Seeing yellow/green stuff shoot out of baby’s mouth was scary. Just remember that all colors of fluids will be coming out of baby for the first few days. Just try to keep baby clean.
• If you’re breastfeeding, length of time sucking can be misleading. Watch baby’s PEE diapers carefully. It’s possible that both colostrum and breastmilk are taking a while to come in, and baby may get dehydrated which may mean rehospitalization and jaundice. :’( Our baby pooped a ton in the first few days, so we thought she was getting enough feed, but her pee diapers dwindled and that was the sign of not enough hydration.
• Even fresh baby formula can smell like sour milk and that’s normal. Especially the hypoallergenic stuff, a lot of them smell pretty gross.
• For the first couple weeks, the “baby language” by Dunstan was a decent indicator. Later on it no longer correlated, or if baby got too worked up and was hard-crying, then couldn’t use it reliably.
• Buy some “milestone markers” (e.g. little blocks or signs for 1wk, 1 month, 2 months, etc) and mark milestones on your calendar. They’re cute and silly but have been a nice way to remember to document baby’s growth and how they’re changing.
• You’re probably going to be up every couple hours at night. Consider taking shifts with your partner to watch/hold/feed baby. May be easier to time it to 1.5 hr increments

Baby 2–3 months

• Things I really loved capturing on video and would recommend again: baby’s milk-drunken smile, a big baby fart, a baby roll, a pouty face when she doesn’t like something, a cute baby giggle in response to something you do, baby grabbing at toys and trying to put silly things in her mouth.
• Try not to stress too much about sleep schedules. We did and it’s taxing and stressful that baby wouldn’t nap to the suggested schedules. In hindsight, I’d recommend just enjoying the time with baby and doing what seems natural rather than forcing it too much, and just promote consistency in a few ways around time to wake up, eat, attempt to nap, and bedtime.
• Babies are unpredictable. This sounds obvious, but this is true even for things you’d assume may be more bio-rhythm/clockwork. We’ve been dutifully recording everything from when she yawned, to when we put baby down to sleep, to when she actually falls asleep, how many mls per day she feeds, etc. Turns out for our baby, there’s only a rough pattern and it’s not consistent enough to predict her reaction or timing the next day. Try not to get frustrated when something that was working before is no longer working now.
• Babies need help. Also seems obvious, but when you’re tired and frustrated that baby is screaming at you, remember that generally speaking they don’t WANT to scream at you, it’s just that how they’re feeling is making them cry. Remember that thing we did to put on the brave face and help mommy during childbirth? Same thing here: even if you don’t feel like it, and even if it seems like baby does not appreciate you at all… be the kinder soul and remember to do what you can to help your little human not stress so much.

That’s it for now. Good luck, parents! You’re going to be okay.